Of course it’s not easy to talk to someone you love about their addiction. There are plenty of reasons why. It’s awkward, hard to address, difficult, heavy and/or terrifying. Maybe you’re afraid of their reaction. Maybe you think there’s a chance it could ruin your relationship. Whatever reason you have for being hesitant to address your addicted loved one, it’s time to get over it.
There is no more important time than now to talk to your loved one about their addiction. Regardless of the outcome, the conversation is critical. The National Rehab Hotline wants to offer our assistance in the form of a helpful guide on how to best approach a loved one about addiction.
Prepare for Anything
First and foremost, be aware that you may not get the reaction you hope for. We don’t know your loved ones personally, but most addicts react negatively (at least at first) when they come face to face with their addiction(s).
Be sure to allow this person as much time as they need to react. It’s crucial to be an active listener, not a dominant speaker. You will likely experience a rollercoaster of emotions during the talk, and that’s normal. Just remain consistent in letting the person know you’re here for them.
Ways to Begin
Look, chances are you know this person well and you have a general idea of how you’re going to approach the conversation. However, for those who may not know where to start, here are some soft opening lines you could begin the talk with. Notice how they all begin with “I” – taking pressure off your loved one by not starting with “You”.
- “I want to check in with you. Feels like you haven’t been yourself lately.”
- “I noticed lately that you’ve been maybe a little off. Could we talk? Are you doing okay?”
- “I have been worried about you, and I’m hoping we can chat.”
- “I see that you’ve been drinking/using a lot lately… I’m just a little concerned.”
- “I need to talk to you about something if that’s okay. Honestly I’m a little worried…”
Once the conversation has begun, be encouraging and open to what they have to say. If the reply you get from your opening line is lacking, try a question next:
- “I just want you to know I’m here for you, no matter what. Is something going on?”
- “Do you feel like you’ve been partying a little too hard lately?”
- “Is there anything you want to talk about? I can handle anything you have to say.”
- “How can I support you best right now? Is there anything I can do?”
- “Have you ever considered seeking help for drinking/using?”
Remember again to let your loved one do most of the talking. Also, when asking questions, try not to give them answers in the question itself. For example, do not follow a question like “Are you okay lately?” with “Or is it just me?” This allows the addict to immediately turn the table and say that it’s just you and that they’re fine. Sometimes it’s difficult to circle back after that.
Lastly, in the beginning of the conversation, make sure to remind them often of how much they are loved, and how important it is for you that your loved one is healthy and safe. This is not interrogation.
Take it a Step Further
Because every conversation is different and can branch off in many directions, we cannot comment on the middle or end of your talk. However, if at the end of the conversation you want to do more for your loved one, here are some options:
- Seek professional help. You can of course call the National Rehab Hotline at 1-866-210-1303 anytime. We exist for this purpose. Call now and receive free confidential information, including a ton of professional addiction recovery resources.
- Seek local support. Groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meet every single day in thousands of locations across the world. There are countless other community-based support groups, and a quick search engine browse ought to yield results.
- Become a support system. Tell your loved one to call you any and every time they feel the need to abuse. Offering your support can go a long way, even if that person never calls. Contact mutual friends and make them part of the support system as well.
- Host an intervention. If your conversation didn’t seem to make an impact, perhaps it’s time for a formal intervention. There are plenty of options. Again, a quick search online ought to yield results. Also, the National Rehab Hotline can connect you with intervention resources.
What Not to Do
It’s just as important to know what NOT to do in a conversation with an addicted loved one as it is to know what you should do. We’ve covered plenty of things you should do. Here is a list of things you should not do during your talk:
- Do Not Lecture. Your loved one does not want to hear a speech on how they should be living. You’re here to offer your ears and your heart, not your mouth.
- Do Not Blame or Guilt-Trip. Avoid telling your loved one their ruining their life or wasting their time. It will likely feel accusatory. Instead remind them that you care and want to help.
- Do Not Threaten. It absolutely never works to scare someone sober. Using threats or ultimatums only makes your loved one feel more stressed and can even cause them to use.
- Do Not Force. You cannot help an addict by making them stop using, no matter what you do. Flushing their stash will only make them angry and may lead to them buying more.
- Do Not Use Stigma Language. Words like ‘addict’, ‘junkie’, ‘alcoholic’ are labels with harsh connotation. Instead, use language like “problem with drugs” or “trouble with alcohol.”
- Do Not Talk to Someone Not Sober. If your loved one is under the influence of the substance they’re addicted to, nothing you say is going to stick. Even if it seems like they are buying into what you’re saying, chances are it’s an effect of the substance.
- Do Not Blame Yourself. If your conversation isn’t fruitful, it’s not your fault. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing. Try it again a little later. Don’t wait too long though. Addiction takes dozens of lives every single day.
A Final Word
Having a conversation with your loved one about addiction isn’t going to be easy. However, it is critical that it happens. It’s easy to just tell yourself they’re ok. It’s easy to avoid the talk. Usually, the easy thing to do isn’t the right thing to do. It’s hard to have the talk because it’s so important. Good luck.